What to do when you feel like an imposter
I heard a really poignant question the other day. The person, in a top STEM PhD program, was describing how utterly unprepared they felt for graduate school. Coursework had been easy, but they believed they were terrible at designing experiments and much less productive than their peers. They were having trouble concentrating and getting anything done. Should they cut their losses and leave?
The description brought back so many memories from my PhD. I wondered the same thing many times, and some of my most talented friends did too.
Here’s a more complete version of my advice to them:
Get in touch with why you want to do this: Why do you want to be an expert in this area or solve these research problems?
Suspend judgment about whether you belong. If you want to become an expert, start giving yourself credit each time you put in the work to do it. Each time you redirect your attention to the current seminar or paper, pat yourself on the back. Note your anxious thoughts and shift your focus back to the science. Each time you spend a few minutes thinking through possible hypotheses or study designs, even if they're all garbage, give yourself credit for spending time on a tough problem. Sitting with ideas and implicit judgment ("I have no idea what I am doing, why should I be here when I suck at this?") is hard. Let the judgment go and give yourself credit for putting in the work.
Literally, you've got to put in the reps. Would you judge yourself for not benching x kgs after going to the gym three times? Maybe your gym buddy over there has gone the same number of times as you and can bench more, but they were doing push-ups at home before they joined. So what?
As a full professor, I'm still reminding myself of the need to put in the reps when I discover I'm rusty at things I previously excelled at, or when my attention has gotten out of whack from putting out fires for too long and I struggle to focus on a paper or think creatively.
I remember realizing as a grad student I had gone from getting ~95% of things perfectly correct in academic life to getting ~20% of things correct. It’s a rough transition, but it also means you’re in an excellent environment for learning a ton.
I guarantee you that many of your peers are struggling too in their own ways. It’s unfortunate that people are so afraid to talk about their challenges and insecurities, but I get why it happens. The bottom line is that you’re seeing a censored view.
Still, you might say, you can count publications. Maybe you have fewer than others. Even if you are a late bloomer, so what? Do you want to do this? Scientific talent takes so many forms. You can be objectively "behind" by certain metrics and still make massive contributions. As you progress in this career, you’ll see that everyone hits roadblocks. Everyone. It’s hard to appreciate this and especially easy to worry about your progress and precise rate when starting out. Remember you don’t really have statistical power yet to assess your performance, and this is a nonstationary process, and fundamentally—as long as you still have a burning desire to solve some problems and/or become an expert—you’re going to have an easier time in your PhD and postdoc research if you focus on your goals instead of your ability. If your performance is problematic, you will start hearing from faculty in the program, and you can do more reflecting then.*
Don't let your fear and discouragement get in the way of the work you want to do. You can feel those feelings when they come, but don't let them stop you. Just take the next step.
*Please don’t interpret criticisms of your work as criticisms of you, however. If there’s concern about whether you belong in the program, it will be discussed directly.